Well, 2017 was an odd one. It was the year where we would actually see what a Donald Trump presidency would be like. As publicly disastrous as you’d expect by the way. And it was just a year where weird thing after the weird thing happened, some good and some bad.
And that was the case with films as well. Lots of weird stuff came out which meant at the very least, the bad stuff was different from the usual trash for the most part. Of course, you have a tonne of horrible stuff as you do this year, but there are some movies which have not made my list which deserve some mentions before I get on with it properly.
The Book of Henry was the most bizarre movie of the year, is about a genius child’s plan to kill a neighbor. Yes you read that right. Despite being one of the most misjudged films of the year, there was enough of it to keep it off the list. Table 19 might have provoked a massive rant from me on a podcast, but despite the awful ending there was far worst. The Bye Bye Man is dreck, but I laughed at it enough to mean it was edged off the top ten.
Now onto the crap.
Considering this was well reviewed, it has an impressive 85% on Rotten Tomatoes, you may wonder, haha, how this got on the list. Well it ticks all the wrong boxes for me. It’s meant to be an inspiring story because of the facial deformities that Auggie has, but becomes this overly sentimental piece on how amazing he is. Despite the film showing him to be selfish to the rest of the issues his family faces, usually because of him, he somehow improves all of their lives by just being a nice guy. It’s an inspiring story where the main character barely changes and we are expected to be inspired because he’s a nice person. No, this is a cynical movie designed just to make you cry and there’s nothing I hate more than a film which is just so nakedly manipulative.
9. Rough Night
Welcome to the first comedy of the list and it’s definitely not the last. Rough Night is looking to mix debauchery and darkness with it’s plot about accidentally killing a stripper. This should be comic gold, especially with the talented cast that’s on board for the ride but it just fails at every turn. Oddly, it just forgets to tell jokes for most of the film which means that when they do tell a joke, it’s more shocking than some of the material on screen. Which is not at all shocking because Fawlty Towers did this conceit a lot better a few decades ago. Yes, it’s novel to have women front a madcap comedy like this, but you can’t just praise a movie for being novel.
8. Transformers: The Last Knight
Is Transformers: The Last Knight better than Transformers: Age of Extinction, which topped by Worst of list back in 2014. I’m not entirely sure, but now there is an expectation that these films are going to be long, tiresome and loud. So the reason this is surprisingly low is because there is acceptance that this is going to be awful. All we do now is look for now is the unique way it is terrible. Instead of having a scene purely dedicated for excusing statutory rape, this just takes the mick out of the British. Which I can cope with, even if it is turning Brits into a parody that even Benny Hill would have thought was a bit much. Also this movie fires some gunshots into the reputations of Stanley Tucci and Anthony Hopkins which is horrid to think about.
7. The Boss Baby
I love animated films, it’s why one usually pops up in my top ten and why I loathe it when a company tries to be lazy with them. Unfortunately, Dreamworks have become that studio which produces the lowest tier of entertainment for children, with The Boss Baby being the latest example. Everything about the movie screams lazy, from the concept of a baby spy trying to defeat puppies from getting all the attention to the jokes which are usually butt related. Except for the blowjob joke, that’s unique for a children’s film and there’s a reason that will always be unique. A horrible animated movie which show why Dreamworks is close to the bottom of the pole of animated studios now. A real drop from when they were making Shrek at the start of the century.
6. Fifty Shades Darker
There’s one good thing about the Fifty Shades of Grey series. It’s proof that books are not better than films because while the highest grossing movie of all time is forgettable, your best selling book is merely smut. You don’t see Debbie Does Dallas grossing over a billion do you. Unfortunately, the last laugh is with the book readers as we now have to suffer this series in the cinemas. This sequel is far worse than the first one, one because the nice cinematography has now gone and is now at the level of a decently budgeted cable drama. Not bad, but nothing to remark on. Instead, we are left with chemistry-less sex scenes, potentially interesting elements dismissed quicker than they can develop and still a weird stalkerness vibe from Christian Grey. And joy for us all, we have another one coming in 2018. May book readers be cursed with a million blockbuster novelizations for inflicting us with this.
Err, I can’t actually remember this. I know there was a Ring sequel this year and that while I was quite excited for the film because I thought the modern reliance on screens would be fertile ground for it, when I watched it I ended up being so bored that I almost fell asleep. I’m even going through my old review of this movie and nothing is ringing a bell. I say in this review that the only attempt at scares are jump scares, which isn’t surprising considering that this is a bad horror film. And now I’m just typing because I want this paragraph to be as lengthy as the other entries into this top ten but there’s nothing else I can remember about this movie other than it not being scary and just being really boring. A huge let down for any horror fan.
And onto a movie that I can definitely remember. Our second terrible comedy on the list, this is just the worst. It’s a bizarre adaptation of an old TV show which decides to have just two jokes. Penises and butts. That’s the jokes you are getting so you better enjoy it. You are going to have a long-running gag where Francis is scared of male contact and then does not want to touch a penis. This obviously ends up with a penis slapping him in the face, which even the movie forgets is meant to be a punchline and just moves on like the embarrassing artifact it is. The fact we are in 2017 and we can have a movie released in cinemas and allegedly enjoyed by a mass audience where the main joke is that penises exist is a shame on us all.
3. The Emoji Movie
50 years ago, movies were on a roll. The Graduate was a striking look at adjusting into adulthood. Bonnie and Clyde was a shocking movie which combined violence and a surprising heart, paving the way for many of the blockbusters we enjoy today. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner changed everything by being a massive commercial success with a black man leading, something that was not thought possible. 50 years after this movie paved the way, The Emoji Movie came out.
This is the saddest, most pathetic attempt to make money. Never mind that someone decided that making a movie based on the icons on your phone was worth doing, this movie just ripped off the story of Wreck-It Ralph where an out of place loser ventures out of his home to change everything, only to discover being himself is the answer. The only thing it changes from the modern Disney classic is that it takes away the funny jokes and replaces them with the laziest attempts of humor seen on screen since, well CHiPS. All this is is an advert for apps that left the zeitgeist two years ago. I’m not angry at this film, I just feel sorry for it.
2. Fist Fight
A movie where a cowardly person is forced to fight against his will could be very funny. So unlike some on this list, Fist Fight is actually on a good grounding. Except instead of putting amusing jokes in here, they made everything as unlikable as possible. It probably should go without saying, but most of the jokes are just rude words. Because that’s the most amusing thing, rude words and the mere mention of a penis.
But the thing that gets me is the morals of the movie. The reason I think that this is worse than CHiPS is because that movie sort of knows it has no soul and realizes people have to go to a very low level to enjoy it. Fist Fight thinks it actually has a heart and a good message to part to the world. It passes on the message that fighting is the honorable thing to do and that the likable but boring Andy Campbell is actually a bad person for daring to call the authorities over the fact a man wants to beat him up. And apparently, that fighting teacher will make the US government realize the education system is underfunded. Just horrible.
You probably haven’t heard of Unforgettable. That’s reasonable. It’s a low budget thriller that was released ages ago and barely made a blip on anyone’s radar. It wasn’t released on a big weekend, it was just a movie no one could ever care about on a weekend that people had better things to care about. So when so much terrible stuff has been released this year, why is it this piece rubbish that has landed at the top of my list?
Because while you can and should be angry at most of the releases on the rest of the list, at least they deserved to be in the cinema. They were shot like a movie, the actors performed like they were in a movie, the production design was good enough to be exposed on those massive screens. Unforgettable should not have been in a cinema. It should have been buries at 1am on the Lifetime channel, or maybe one of it’s knock offs because this might not be good enough for that. It is cheesily acted, with Katherine Heigl showing why she hasn’t been near a respectable film in years. The story makes little sense and requires everyone involved to be total idiots to work. It’s just exhausting to sit through and remains the only movie I’ve had to walk out of just to take a break. The name is correct, the movie is unforgettable. Just for all the wrong reasons.